Love, love, love!

Molli and I got to spend an amazing week in Arizona with my family.  I cannot even express the sweetness of this week.  Molli and Jackson were incredible together!  They are total opposites, in pretty much every way.

Molli is a tall little girl, Jackson is a little on the shrimpy side.

Molli is rough and tumble, Jackson is sweet and sensitive.

Molli is wild and constantly on the move, Jackson is content to sit and watch.

Molli loves to touch and be touched, Jackson is brought to tears by Molli’s touch.

Molli is working on her ninth and tenth tooth, Jackson has zero.

Molli was quick to sit/crawl/walk, Jackson is in no hurry.

Molli wants everyone’s attention, Jackson prefers Mommy and Daddy.

Molli is busy and LOUD, Jackson is calm and quiet.

Molli fights eating, Jack is an eating champion.

I could go on and on.  They are seriously so very different, and both so perfect. 

 

The overriding theme of the week was most certainly “love.”  I think in previous posts I’ve made it clear just how much I love Molli.  However, I never thought I could love another child with comparable intensity. My darling nephew, Jackson, is so perfect, and perfectly wonderful.  I am blessed. I feel like the grinch at the end of the story- although I was never grouchy about anything- my heart feels like it has doubled in size.  The same way I cannot bear to think of anything bad ever happening to Molli, and the desire I have to watch her grow up healthy, happy and confident is equal to the desire I have for all of these things for sweet Jack. I love these babies.

My parents were absolutely in heaven with these babies.  It was such a joy to me to watch my parents interact with them.  Mom and Dad were so amazing with them and the love they have for both of them simply radiated from their faces.  Their eyes lit at the opportunity to help with what are otherwise everyday, commonplace tasks.  They were thrilled to take care of bath time, feedings, dressing (except involving Molli, who thrashes), bedtime bottle and pushing the stroller.  So thrilled, in fact, they became jealous when the other got to do these things too often.  Dad jumped at every opportunity to lull our cranky babies to sleep in the stroller, and Tamara and I were more than willing to offer our tired tots in order for Dad to fulfill his hearts' desire.  Mom says Myles and I are good parents, but I can only hope that we do half as well as she and Dad.  I love my parents.

    

My brothers are such special people to me.  Growing up we didn’t always get along.  It wasn’t until high school that we really became friends.  Nate and I had each other’s back, and Brian and I did each other’s homework.  When we played our cards right, we stayed out of trouble and got good grades.  Nate and Brian were in Arizona and it was very fun to hang out with them.  Unfortunately, Zach wasn’t able to come on the trip, but he was definitely thought about.  I can always count on my brothers to make me laugh, and with two of the three present, you can bet we did a lot of laughing.  I love them.

   

My sister-in-law, Tamara has grown to be someone very close to my heart.  I never had a sister growing up, and although I know I can never replace her beloved sister, I am honored to be sisters with her in this way.  God knows what he’s doing and I am sure glad that He has brought her into our family.  She knows how to laugh at herself and be silly (which is important in our family).  She also has proven to be a wonderful, caring mother who puts her son and his needs first.  I am glad that she and my brother have each other, and I look forward to many more years getting to know her.  I love my sister-in-law. 

 

My husband has been so understanding about letting me go on trips without him.  He has taken his role as the provider for our family seriously, and therefore stays home to work while the two most important people in his life leave him.  Molli and I both miss him when we’re gone, but I’m sure not as much as he misses us when he is all by himself.  I definitely wish he could come with us on all the trips I have taken with Molli, but I am so very thankful that he realizes how important it is to my family and me to see one another.  We are glad to be back together, and are excited about our next adventure that begins on Wednesday; As a family, we are going to Florida to be with Papu and Nanette!  I love my husband.

So much love in this family!  I am so very happy to have had the opportunity to spend time with these people whom I love so dearly.  Family, you are wonderful!

(There are lots more pictures, these are just those I had on my phone...I'm sure I will not keep them all to myself.)

Change

Things change all the time.  Sometimes things change and it’s good right then, sometimes the good isn’t seen until later.  With change comes new things, but it also means a loss.  The loss isn’t always bad, but unfortunately, sometimes the loss seems to weigh more than the good of the change. 

When we moved to Illinois three and a half years ago (wow, has it really been that long?!) we fell into place with a small group that was amazing for us.  We already knew some of the people from Florida, but others were new to us.  This group of people made leaving our amazing friends behind and transition to Illinois a lot easier.  Having a close group of friends is and has always been very important to me. 

People came and went from our small group, and it was hard to accept some of the changes, but change happens.  New people came and loss occurred.  Our closest Illinois friends moved to Boise a couple years ago and we’re still bummed about that. 

Myles preaches at a small country church about an hour away.  It’s been a good experience for the most part, but I think it’s kept us from building relationships locally.  Our role in a church like this has not accommodated for spiritual growth and communal worship. We’ve probably relied too much on our small group to fill that role in our lives.  This group served the entirety of our social lives and a very large part of our spiritual community. 

When small group sort of disintegrated we were left with a big hole.  It’s been weird.  We understand that people are busy and everyone has kids now.  We are busy too and have to make time for the things most important to us.  Recently, we have joined with a couple other families from the previous small group, hoping to reestablish something.  So far I have high hopes and think it will be successful in terms of meeting regularly and will be rich with study/discussion.  I am happy to have these couples, but am sad to think of what will come of other relationships from the previous small group. 

I’ve been realizing more and more lately that I need friends.  I know I will probably never have friendships like I had in Florida, and that’s OK.  I really just don’t know how to make friends outside of school, church or work.  Considering none of these are really an option right now, I feel stuck.  I was supposed to have jury duty but could not think of a single person to baby-sit.  The few people I know that might be available/willing are already busy with their own children and I really don’t want to be a burden.  (plus I’ll get $10/day of jury duty and I don’t know anyone to hire for $.80/hour.)  You might remember the tid bit of Sansotta trivia from Memorial Day weekend- due to the whole babysitting thing, Myles and I have only had one date since Molli was born- 10 months ago.  Not cool.  I saw a previous co-worker yesterday who offered to baby-sit sometime, so I’m totally going to take her up on that offer!

This was probably not the most exciting post, but it’s what you get today. Happier post another day.  Meanwhile, I have to go rescue Molli from falling out of her toy-box and onto her face.  

Swelling

Since I first became pregnant, I swelled.  Parts of me swelled at different times.  Some parts swelled more pleasantly than others; my whole body, my feet, but mostly my heart.  My heart has swollen in a major way time and time again from the moment I knew of Molli’s existence.  This past week has proven to expand my hearts’ capacity to love and experience very full joy. 

My wonderful mom has been in town for a very special visit.  I love that she was able to be here for Molli’s first fireworks, hair trim, and pigtails.  Also, she was here for my 26^th birthday.  The first birthday I’ve had with her in years!  She made me my special chocolate birthday pie.  Cake is not my favorite so Mom has been making this for me since I was about nine years old.  Moms have a way of making ordinary things special- bath time, meal time, play time, walks, and trips in the car.  Things that I just do on a daily basis were made extra special with my mom here. 

 

On the fourth, we partook in celebrating with friends and went to the community fireworks.  I’m not going to lie, the free watermelon is always a great incentive to come to the fireworks, and it happens to be Molli’s favorite food!  We made sure Molli had a solid nap beforehand, put her in her big girl two-piece Tinkerbell jammies and headed out to watch the firework display.  We were very unsure how she would react to the booms and bangs, but were very pleasantly surprised!  She clapped and reached out for them, full of excitement… definitely a moment of heat swells. The joy on her face was so wonderful!  The thrill and uninhibited pleasure were enough to make me wish the moment would last far longer than a few short minutes.

To top it off, my mom was there, surely basking in the joy of watching her daughter’s heart swell with happiness for her sweet grandbaby.  What a special evening!

I have taken Molli in monthly to get portraits taken (as though I don’t have enough pictures of her).  Mom and I made plans to take her for her nine-month portraits and dressed her in a cheery outfit my mom sewed for her.  We experimented with ponytails and were so happy to discover that her hair is long enough, and more adorable than ever in piggytails!  I threw together some korker hair-bows to top off the ensemble.  She hammed it up at the studio, showing off all eight of her teeth!  The pictures couldn’t have turned out cuter! 

Again, my heart swelled at the sight of her looking so cute and grown up.  I don’t know when the transition from babyhood to toddlerhood happens, but I dare say, we might be almost there.  She is looking so old these days!  She doesn’t walk yet, but it wont be long.  She definitely has the strength, and probably the balance.  The coordination and interest are not quite there.  We play a standing game a lot these days- this is how it goes:  I hold her up in a standing position in front of me and she kicks, flops, bends and protests verbally until she gives in and stands up.  I let go and she stands (hence the name of the game).  Then she busts into a little grin and tips.  That’s the fun part! She tips any direction, usually leading with her head and smiles the whole way until I catch her.  She knows that someone will catch her and has no fear.  It’s a beautiful sight!  I almost don’t want her to walk because I want her to hold onto the fearlessness.  She hasn’t learned a reason to be afraid of tipping, and walking will certainly influence that!  My baby needs to stay a baby for a little longer, I’m not ready for her to grow up!

Mom leaves tomorrow and I’m so not ready.  It’s been wonderful having her company and help.  Molli is certainly not an easy baby, and Mom has filled a huge gap for me.  Even just playing with her so I can clean the floors or switch the laundry.  She’s saved me from having to listen to Molli’s big boo-hoos when I leave the room or pay attention to something other than her. 

Beyond being a big help, Mom has been a big encouragement.  Her natural ability to engage Molli and her patience with her has been a reminder to me that this girl is still a baby and just wants to play with, love and please me.  Mom is truly a beautiful example of the mother I want to be; patient, kind, gentle, and willing to slow down and laugh.  My heart is swollen tonight with the joy of having my mom around, playing with my daughter.  As sad as I am to send her on her way in the morning, I am beyond excited for the next time I’ll her- in a couple weeks Molli and I are traveling to Arizona to play with Jackson, and will meet Mom there, as well as Dad and Brian!  How fun will that be?!

Thank you, Mom, for being you, and for being here!

Not a normal post, during not a normal week.

Oh man, what a week!  We joined up with two other families and had a much needed, and very successful yard sale.  We all got rid of a lot of things; some very random, some very nice.  It was stressful leading up to it and at times even more stressful during.  It wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t have to keep Molli happy, fed and safe. (Maybe in the opposite order).  She was really a trooper though!  A three year old, two one year olds and a 9 month old were part of this yard sale experience, and I think it’s more than safe to say that there are three mommas who are extremely tired and excited to get back into a normal routine. 

With no intention of putting down any of our friends here, I have to say, I think it’s time that Myles and I expanded our circle of friends.  I hoped for a babysitter for the weekend, but we have no family around and I couldn’t think of anyone to call, so I made a facebook shout out.  While eight people responded with “I would if I lived closer,” zero people in Lincoln were able/wanted to.  No wonder Myles and I have only been on one date since Molli has been born!  There are some wonderful couples we know through our small group, but really don’t know many other people here.  After three and a half years, you think we’d be more settled into the community.  I’m sure a lot of this is due to us being involved in primary root-planting scenes out of town, and probably the fact of knowing that we wont be here forever. We’ve both spent a good amount of time working in other towns and Myles has been preaching at a church an hour away.  We don’t have the relationships we so desire here. How else do people meet people? 

We’d love to have a couple older than us as mentors to pour into our lives and share in our trials and joys, and likewise a younger couple to love and pour into.  I think this affects me a lot.  I so heavily value discipleship and crave relationships of that nature.  Sharing wisdom, experience, advice and love.  Modeling after a respected person/couple is the simplest and most powerful way to deepen myself, and my relationships.  I’ve been hoping and praying for such people to come into our (Myles and my) lives for a long time now.  (I have to mention that there is a college student whom I have had the honor of knowing and beginning a mentoring relationship with.  I love our talks and hope for more time soon!)

This has not been about Molli, for the most part, but I think my thoughts tonight are spurred by knowing the importance of relationships.  How her dad and I interact with people, directly affects Molli.  We want to model a solid relationship that is guided primarily by God and I truly believe in learning from a couple who has been where we are.  We want to be good parents and  glean wisdom from other, seasoned, parents.

I will do a Molli update soon, but for now, you get to read what’s on my heart. 

The Greats are in town!

What a wonderful day it has been! I was all kinds of productive this morning and Molli was actually cooperative for me while I got my stuff done.  That's probably a first, seriously. She was amazing!  We ran our errands, paid a bill, made an important phone call, went to the post office and had lunch with my main squeeze.  All in all, a really good morning.

And the day only got better!

My grandma and grandpa came to town from Arkansas to love on Molli for a couple days.  Molli spent a little time eyeballing her GREAT grandparents for a while, then warmed up and played very nicely!  It was so sweet watching my daughter interact with my grandparents.  It made me wonder how my grandparents interacted with me when I was a baby girl.  I have fond memories of going to my grandparent's house as a kid.

I remember the pool in the back yard and the red swing.  There was a tree with a white painted trunk in the front yard that my brothers and I asked about every time we arrived. (It didn't make sense that a tree trunk would be white!)  I remember the sitting in a sesame street booster seat, a yellow stool and flowered trash can in the kitchen (which they still use).  I remember a trampoline near the living room, pushing on my grandma's hand veins, the sliding door to the bathroom and riding bikes up and down the street (and never, EVER being allowed to turn the corner of the street).  Vienna Sausages and Frosted Flakes.  Stuffed black cat in the car, tennis ball hanging in the garage, hot sidewalks, the dog that always reminded me of Barkley from Sesame Street. Day bed, giant pencils, ice cream truck. The time we forgot Zach's Lambie Lou...

These memories of grandparents place are from the days when we still lived in Arizona, early and pre 1992- when we moved to Alaska.  After that, visits were fewer and farther between...but still sweet.  I bet my parents never knew to appreciate living in such close proximity to them.   It makes me want so badly to live closer to my parents so Molli can have these kinds of memories of her Grammy and Papa's. As of now, we really don't know where we'll end up, but we are certainly praying and seeking direction for the next steps for our family.  I just really hope that wherever we end up is perfect for everyone (is that possible?).

Anyhow, my grandparents are in town and I'm feeling nostalgic remembering sweet the details of times past. It warms my heart that they have been willing to come all the way here to play with my little girl.  What a special experience.

*I would share some pictures of this special visit, however, the pictures are on my phone, which is in Molli's room. Molli is sleeping and the phone is acting as sound machine in efforts to enhance sleep. Stay tuned*

Cherish each moment, live in the present and appreciate your sweet child for who he/she is on this day.

A post without pictures is a poor post, indeed.  But that is what I have tonight.  Just words, no pictures.

It seems that each day, I reminisce a little bit about times past.  Sometimes about times long since past, and some more recent.  Today I was remembering Molli's birthday and how phenomenal it was.  It was by far the most powerfully emotional experience of my life!  I have several friends who have just recently had babies, and one who will very soon.  Each glance at a face of a newborn baby brings me right back to when Molli was so teeny tiny.  I so wish I could get her back like that, just for a little while.  I want to see her dreamy smiles and silly "O" face again.  I want her to lay on me just because that's all she knows to do.  I want to feel her little baby squirms in a swaddled bundle again.  I miss the days where she would stay put.

But not as much as I love what's happening these days.

These days I have a baby girl who is a mover!  She is stubborn as all get out and she has a personality all of her own.  She has an opinion already and she makes it known.  She is never still on purpose and her face has a million different expressions every minute.  She goes, goes, goes and when she stops to catch her breath, I grab hold of her really tight and snuggle the heck out of her.  She makes me laugh everyday.  These days are so fun!  My girl has six teeth, lots of hair and a sense of humor.  My girl likes attention and knows how to get it.  My girl makes me crazy sometimes, but more often she really melts my heart.

Sometimes I just have to pause and stare at her in amazement.  No one else will ever look at me quite the way she does.  When she is dancing and full of smiles, she looks at me as though she is dancing just to please me.  She claps her hands and looks up at me for approval.  She is my little buddy and I am honored.

I'm also terrified.

There is a lot of scary stuff in the world and somehow I'm supposed to be the one who guides her into and through it all?  I'm not sure I'm ready to think about her being exposed to all the bad things out there.  People can be mean, and I'm sure she will experience that one day.  Can't I keep her in my arms all the time? Our world is cruel and guides girls to feel badly about themselves.  How do I instill in her a Godly sense of beauty and ensure that she will never slight herself?  Someday, someone will make her cry.  Someday she will feel hurt.  Someday she will feel embarrassed.  My heart breaks to think about these things.

I know that I won't always be able to rescue her from the negativities of this world, but I know for sure that right now, she is my baby.  I love her in each stage of her life and will strive to live a life of gratitude and be an example for her.  Knowing that once time is gone, it's gone.  I will cherish each moment, live in the present and appreciate my sweet child for who she is on this day.  I hope anyone reading this will do the same.

To sleep or not to sleep... WHY is this even a question?!

This particular post is one that I think about writing on a daily basis.  The long awaited sleep update...

I distinctly remember thinking, when Molli was about two weeks old, a thought that likely jinxed everything.  I am so lucky to have such an easy baby!
Are you kidding me?!
Fast forward six weeks to when little missy was eight weeks old.  I had another thought that jinxed another important are of my life.   I am so lucky to have such a fantastic sleeper!  This thought crossed my mind after Molli's first full night of sleep.  And by "full night" I mean about 6 or 7 hours without waking up to eat or needing me.  It was glorious!

Sleep was not an issue for us until Molli was about 5 months old.  At this time she was working hard on popping some teeth though her sweet, smooth gums and was growing more and more demanding about seeing me at night.  Back to getting up once or twice a night...I could handle that.  Once or twice a night quickly flowed into eight to ten times a night.  THAT, I could not handle.  My sanity was slipping through my fingers with each passing minute of desired sleep.

*side note*  I have reason to believe that males have an uncanny ability to sleep through anything, or fake it disturbingly well.

Anyway, I wasn't sleeping, Molli wasn't sleeping and we were both crabby on a regular basis.  I consulted friends, I consulted the internet, I consulted books.  We tried crying it out, a miserable failure for us this time around.  She will literally cry for 2,3,4, even 5 hours before even considering slowing down. (I have never met such a stubborn child!)  We tried putting her down very drowsy, to no avail. We tried putting her to bed asleep and trying to sneak out.  We tried co-sleeping.  We've tried everything that has been suggested and we've learned that *gasp* babies aren't all the same!

We are finally seeing light in this tunnel and we're really hoping it's the end of the tunnel, not just a crack in the wall.  The general idea: At first hint of sleepiness, I grab a pacifier, and snuggle her tight.  We rock or sit in a dim room until she is drowsy.  When I see her eyes roll around, I tell her it's time to go to sleep and she goes in her crib.  Typically if she is still awake at all, she cries and we start over.  Then I put my hands on her until she gives up and goes to sleep. However, more often than not, I have been waiting until she is truly sleeping before putting her down.  Then the tricky part is sneaking out without ruining everything.
Mother may I Turn around
you may CREEEEAAAAK
Mother may I Step right
you may SQUEEEEAAAAK


The blasted floors moan and groan as I quietly sneak head out of the room.  I may as well be an elephant tromping about.  I have a pathway mapped out in the nursery that allows me to exit in the precise footing of least disturbance.  Unfortunately, my daughter has taken after her mother and is an extremely light sleeper.

*side note #2* I will never, ever, ever live in a house with loud floors again.  Especially if a baby is involved.

More recently in our sleep saga, we have implemented a strange little trick.  This trick came in the mail from a good friend in Florida who has many a story to tell of her sweet little one and the trouble he had sleeping in his earlier days.  This trick is a brilliant one!  Fake weighted bean-bag arms!  (Recall with me the cozy lead vest at the dentist during X-rays).  I place the crazy arms on her body to trick her into thinking that I am still there, holding onto her shoulder and legs.  It's not totally foolproof, but it does seem to be helping.

She is sleeping in her crib most of the night, most of the time, these days.  I go to bed anxious every night, dreading the hour when I will hear the monitor by my bed calling out for "mahmah."  I love to sleep, and highly doubt I have gotten really good, solid, peaceful sleep even once since she's been born.  In the days when she was actually sleeping well through the night, that mommy part of me was still up, listening and waiting for her cries.

Things aren't perfect, but I don't think it would be motherhood if they were!  Everybody has their struggles and this is ours in this season.