Long days, short years

For the past several weeks our family groove has been thrown off and we are finding a new one in the chaos.  Myles has been working very long hours everyday and it’s put a kink in the normal way of life for me.  The office where he works is right next to Molli’s school so he had taken on the task of bringing Molli to school when he headed to work in the morning and picked her up at noon when she got out and he had a lunch break.  Not a bad setup for me!  Lately though, his long hours have him long gone by the time the kids get up and he comes home just in time for a quick story and a kiss goodnight.  It’s been a lot on my shoulders to maintain some sort of normal life with all the kids and maintaining the household.  I’m not doing amazing, but we are surviving.  Mostly, at least.  

Throwing us off kilter even more is the wrapping up of the school year, soccer and dance.  We finished soccer season (with a roaring hallelujah) and just brushed off the sparkles leftover from the end of this semester of dance.  These extra curricular activities are great fun but I’m not sad to say goodbye to some of the scheduling headaches. This week alone Molli had a field trip on Monday and on Tuesday, dance class on Wednesday, dance rehearsal on Thursday morning (during school) and a recital Thursday evening then the last day of school on Friday. All good things, but it’s like boom, boom, boom, one thing after the other.  Plus babysitters and nap schedules.

Today was the last day of school and I showed up for the tail end of the closing service with an all too eager three and a half year old and a toddler sound asleep on my shoulder (again with the scheduling/nap difficulty).  Molli was among the crowd of students and families somewhere and I got to thinking that this was her final hour at the school she has attended for the last two and a half years.  These walls have seen her through some of the most precious years of her life, and certainly have left an impression on her little heart.  Just as I was thinking all this, the group recited a prayer of thanks together and I got choked up realizing the value of what I was witnessing.  Communal prayer is beautiful, especially from the mouths of these young kids who are together each day learning about Jesus.  They are receiving an academic education, but more importantly, they are being filled with the Word and are being influenced by some incredible adults who love the Lord.  What an incredible blessing and honor it has been to be a part of such an institution.  Even at the tender age of five, Molli seems to have a greater understanding of spiritual concepts than many adults I know.  

She will be going to a public school for a full day next year and I am a more than a little bit heartbroken.  I have nothing against public schooling, at all, but it is scary to imagine sending a little piece of my heart into the world where things will be different. For the first time, she will be in an environment where those around her will not necessarily have love for Christ as their guide. There will be people who don’t know or care about Jesus, and that will be an eye-opener for her. Almost nobody in this great big school will know her and she will have to make a start for herself, without me present.  It’s important for her to spread her wings and have these fresh experiences, but man, it’s tough knowing where she’s coming from.  I am already praying for her future classmates and teachers, that she will be placed among people who will be beneficial for her.  I want her to build relationships with safe, Godly people.  There is no sense in pretending that I can protect her forever, but I sure hope that we are doing a good job at home instilling in her all the good things I want for her, because the most important components, she won’t receive at school any longer.  Her teachers will not tell her that Jesus created her perfectly when she messes up, or guided to pray for others who are hurting.  She won’t receive the life-giving words of scripture at school or pray as a group before snack time. This really increases the importance of my job as her mom. I will pray hard for her new teacher, just as I have prayed for those teaching her the past couple years. 

We have been blessed with the most incredible teachers at Grace Lutheran.  They’ve made their way into our hearts and I know Molli will miss them tremendously next year.  Thankfully, Gavin will be starting preschool in the fall so they will remain a solid part of our family. Gav is SO excited to be in Mrs. Hinz’s class!  He is already very comfortable at the school and makes himself right at home in her classroom, for better or worse.  It seems that he already loves her just as much as Molli does! As much as Molli has learned in these preschool and kindergarten classes, I am interested to see what Gavin will be like when he’s moving on to the big public school with Molli.  I hope that his experience at the school is similar to Molli’s and that he grows similarly to her.  I just cannot believe my babies are already at this stage of life.  

As hard as the days have been lately, I’m trying my best to treasure these kids.  They are living proof that they grow up right in front of my eyes and I hardly notice it.  The constant too-small clothes should be a sign that they’re growing, but I don’t see it clearly until I take a step back and reflect.  Reflection makes me emotional. I know one day, not long from now, I’ll be amazed at how little she was today.  She seems like such a big girl, but she’s still little, I just won’t know it until later. As I’ve been told a hundred times, “the days are long, but the years are short.” 

(Wasn't this like a week ago?)

Tide's coming in

The waves flow onto the sand, reaching as far as they are able before begrudgingly drift back out into the sea. Over and over the waves roll up and back out. Methodically coming and going, increasing and decreasing in a smooth, stable pattern.  Ocean waves are a familiar pulse. The waves are insignificant, quick flashes of a greater motive; the tide. It typically rolls in slowly with the waves, gradually creeping up the beach and back down again in its time.

Likewise, life ebbs and flows with various tides.  At certain times life seems to radiate from each experience, each connection. There is a brilliance during these times.  Perspectives shift and the world is a more beautiful place.  In other times, a sense of emptiness looms as the struggle to find genuine meaning increases. These darker times are seen through a sepia lens, void of the vast, captivating palate that is intended to highlight magnificence.

I sense the tide rising in my life. The desire to connect deeply with people, the need to use my time learning about my savior, the urgency to recognize His hand and to approach Him with gratitude.  My heart, sometimes literally, feels like it is being molded and shaped in a way that I haven't experienced in a long time.

The chorus to Dividing the Plunder's song "Perimeter of me" has been playing in my head as I reflect on where I am and where my life is headed.

And I want to live with wider eyes,
There's far too much to see
To think of nothing else
But where I've been and where I'll be
I've been longing for the freedom
That is waiting silently
In the life that's just beyond the small
Perimeter of me

Before this shift in tides, I had been feeling fairly disconnected from some of the most important connecting points in my life. The day to day tasks elevated themselves and became priorities, drowning out the pieces of life that should have been in those lofty positions.  My marriage, my kids, relationships etc. But I'm finding myself hurting more deeply for others and valuing my relationships more. I feel a sense of urgency to make sure I'm putting forth the best effort to build up my marriage, raise Godly children and reach out to hurting people. These are all normal components of my life that are expected of me, and should be, but the need to step it up and really live in a more selfless manner is weighing on my heart.

My prayer is that God would flood me with this feeling to connect; first with him, then with the people I'm in contact with in order that my insignificant perimeter expands and my eyes are open to what He sees. I want to love the way He loves and live accordingly. I want this tide to continue coming in fiercely and wash away the selfishness that I tend to lean on and just be swept away by who He is.

Welcome to the world Baylor Michael Sansotta!

In just over two weeks I’ve fallen in love and lived an eternity in the blink of an eye.  It’s indescribable what adding to the family does to a mother but, for the third time, I’m here. I’m here staring down at deep blue eyes, tiny fingernails and little tucked up froggy baby legs.  Sometimes all I can do is stare.  This boy is perfect.  This child, so precious, was created and grew inside me into a real life, gorgeous little being.  All his miniature parts are perfect and functioning. I’m just amazed!

Amidst the admiration of my beautiful new baby and routine-lacking life I’m here, ready to share something.  But where on earth does one begin?! How can I capture and express everything I’m feeling in a simple blog? I suppose the answer is that I can’t, and I don’t have to.  But if I’m going to start somewhere, let’s start at the very beginning (it’s a very good place to start).  

The day a child is born is one that is etched into the memory forever.  There are details that I will surely never forget but many that will fade over time.  The emotions connected to these details however, are etched on a mommy’s heart and although words are insufficient to describe them, every mom knows that breathtaking moment in time where a connection is made.

The baby has hair, dark hair! Just one more push, the baby is almost here! Oh it’s a boy and he’s gorgeous! Did they just say Baylor’s a boy? Yes! And he’s perfect.

The first cry fills the room- a beautiful sound of life.

Laying on my chest, breaths evening out and color fading to a healthy pink.

I melt beneath the weight of this tiny soul in my arms.

He’s absolutely perfect, and he’s mine.

Welcome to the world Baylor Michael Sansotta!

Since that moment my life has changed. As we get to know Baylor, we are adjusting to a new normal. I’m awake more at night and less productive during the day.  The house isn’t as clean and no one notices if I forgo showering, mostly because nobody but my family sees me anyway. My big kids don’t get quite the attention I was previously able to offer, but they are loved and happy.  I’m tired, deeply tired, but I'm even more deeply full.