Watching my baby girl succumb to the grips of sweet sleep tonight triggered all kinds of thoughts in my head. With each long blink, my heart smiled because there is nothing more perfect than a baby in my arms.
As a kid all I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a mommy. Then as I got older, it became more imperative that I choose a grown up status that involves an income. I identified occupations that I would at least partly enjoy; writer, counselor, teacher... To some, those may describe a perfect job, but to me, doing any of them would be futile and ultimately unfulfilling. But alas, I went to school for counseling and got my feet wet. And honestly, I did enjoy it. It's cool to be able to help people and bring home a paycheck! However, even while helping others make sense of chaos and guiding them to discover their worth, something was missing. I didn't want to help other kids fix their lives, I wanted my own kid to guide, nurture and snuggle with.
Then finally, my dream came true. I am a mommy and it's the best thing in the world. Nothing else brings me more happiness than hearing my daughter's giggles. I even take the moments of screaming with joy (although it's harder). I know that in addition to properly functioning lungs, her cries represent her understanding that she is cared for. She knows that her dad and I will do whatever she needs to survive, feel safe and loved. Sometimes I wonder if we are spoiling her by holding her, rocking, and snuggling too much...but then I realize I don't care all that much. This time is short and I never want to take a moment for granted. I don't want to resent her cries because I'm trying to fold laundry. The laundry will be there forever, but she will only be my little baby who wants me to hold her for a little while. Why deprive both of us the satisfaction of being in each other's arms when the alternative is listening to her want me and matching socks instead? The choice is obvious.
These were not all my thoughts as I watched her slow blinks. I also was thinking of where I am in life right now. I am in Lincoln, Illinois. Woohoo. I am far away from my family and really have a hard time with that. I don't care for corn fields and wind just doesn't do it for me. Lincoln has bragging rights regarding rich soil and the ability to see forever, neither of which really do much for me either. However, I am living here for a reason and it is good. This has been the land of opportunity for us. I have had the opportunity to gain education here in getting my masters degree and support my husband as he works toward his. I have had the opportunity to live in the midwest and understand a little bit about the culture. I have had the opportunity to live in a lower income/less expensive community, which has enabled us to buy our first home and be able to live comfortably. Of all the places we desire to live, nowhere else would allow us to live off of my husband's salary and my not even part time work. Being a stay at home mom is my dream job, and whether or not I will get to do this forever, I am loving it right now, in this moment.
So, all this to say, I love my life. It may not be exactly what I thought things would look like right now, but it is good. I love my family, we are happy and healthy, we are safe and warm, God has provided.
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