Growing too fast

Everyday I look at Molli and I am amazed by her.  I am amazed that Myles and I made her and we get to keep her and raise her.  I am amazed at how perfect she is and how bright her eyes are.  I am amazed that she is a little person, with all the same parts of a grown up person.  I am amazed to watch her personality unfold in the smallest ways more and more everyday.  But the thing that has been capturing my attention the most is how much she has grown already.  She looks up at my face with the same beautiful bright eyes as the baby placed on my chest 2 months ago.  She is the same baby we drove, so carefully, home from the hospital.  And surely she is the same baby who has captured and melted our hearts day after day.  I am in awe of her.

It is so fun watching her learn and soak up her surroundings, but it is also bittersweet.  Everyday that goes by, she is one day older.  Each day is one that I will never get to live again.  As tired or as busy as I may be, and as much as I just want to go to sleep, I have to stop myself and realize that this day is amazing.  I am so sad to watch her newborn look fade.  Although it is exciting to see her learn to do new things (she rolled over this week) and gain an understanding of her world, I want her to stay my little baby. While I love that she will gain independence as she continues to grow, I don't like thinking about her not having to rely on me.  I'm already thinking of how much I will one day miss the precious baby snuggles and the sweetness of our routine together.  There is nothing better than staring at her when, out of nowhere, she looks right into my eyes and bursts out into a huge gummy smile, just because she loves me and is happy.  But one day, that big gummy smile will have teeth.  Her smile will still be beautiful and sweet, but not the same.  Time is going too fast.

I guess the whole point of this is me expressing that I want to appreciate this angel every single day.  Sometimes she is cranky and fussy for reasons that I can't figure out, but even then, I want to appreciate her.  When she is screaming and arching her back and I've picked her up, put her down, walked around, bounced and nothing is helping and I just want to cry because I can't fix it, even then I want to remember what a blessing she is.  I want to be grateful that she has lungs that work and a voice to scream with.  One day those lungs that produce such volume, and that same voice that make sounds that break my heart will sing with me and call me "Mommy."

While I look forward to singing and listening to my sweet little girl, today I just want to soak her in and keep her my baby.